Nestled deep in the woods of Pittsburg, County Oklahoma, near Jackfork Mountain, sits one of the many places we called home when I was a little girl. It was my step grand parents homestead and often when my step dad grew restless, we would load our worldly possessions up on a trailer and make our way to the Farm.
I have such fond memories of Grandma Farmer. She was one of the most resourceful women, I've ever known. She taught us to navigate the woods for arrowheads, fish in the creek, haul water from the well and play dominoes. Looking into those kind blue eyes, you felt an assurance that she would endure, come what may. Her life appeared easy and hard all at the same time. Pappy was nothing shy of an outlaw. He frequently over indulged on the sauce and one night when we drove up unannounced, he came out in his tighty whities with two guns in his holster and one in his hand. Welcome to the farm! Cookie (my step dad) had to jump out flailing his arms about yelling..."It's us Pa don't shoot!" Me and my brother would fight over who was gonna get out and open the gates to the property. Past the cattle guard, the perimeter of the main house was surrounded by electric fences that had to be let down to enter the driveway. Dodging cow patties while avoiding an encounter with "crazy" bull, brought our adrenaline up a whole other level. It never failed, my little skinny arms were never quite strong enough to release the electric fence without getting shocked!
Recently over a family dinner, my mom began to recall with me and my sister about one of the times, Pappy and Cookie got into a knock down drag out and He ran us off the property. It was the middle of the night and (of course) pouring rain. We quickly loaded all our belongings in trash bags and put them in an old truck bed trailer hooked up to our blue Gran Torino. When Pappy said to get off his property, you didn't stick around to sort out the details! We made it several miles down the long dirt road before the lug nuts flew off one of the tires and careened our car into the ditch. Stuck! What to do? What to do? There are no houses, no lights and the likelihood of a passerby at that time of night was slim to none.
Then out of the blue, mom says that I leaned up and got her attention, "Mama we could lay hands on the trailer and pray for it." I was seven years old, my brother nine and little sis one year old at the time. What a wonderful mother! She could have said my idea was silly, but instead, she encouraged my faith and we laid hands on that trailer and PRAYED! Within just a few minutes someone with a truck passed by and saw we were broke down. You have to know, that this just doesn't happen out there! This was the first of 2 miracles that night.
After the trailer was repaired, we made our way to the small town of Hartshorne. Unsure of where we would sleep that night, we pulled over, joined hands and began to pray a second time. We didn't have enough money for a motel so Cookie drove us around until he found a trailer park. He walked up to one of the nicer trailers and knocked on the door. A man answered the door and as fate would have it, he happened to be the landlord of the trailer park. After a short conversation, Cookie came back and said, "Well praise God kids! We've got a place to stay!" It was a gray trailer...I'll never forget it. Mom says the man let us stay there for $225 per month without money down or any guarantee that we would actually pay.
When I think back on that time, the love we shared and the faith I had to believe God could heal a trailer..it strengthens me to the core.
If you happen to find yourself living through a moment that is breaking you down, raise your hands to the heavens and pray. Believe for a miracle. It may not always show up in the way you expect, but rest assured if you look closely, the faithfulness of God will be revealed.
xoxo
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Stepping out of the Religious Closet
I was always taught that my worth is not defined by the praise or rejection of man. Yet being loved and accepted are two of the greatest joys of life....rejection and abandonment...perhaps the greatest fears.
In an inspiring poem entitled 'Living Boldly" by Carolyn Mary Kleefeld she writes, "Few of us have the capacity for truth. Fewer yet are brave enough to utter it."
Countless brave souls have had the courage to stand up for what they believe in even when it meant sacrificing their life. I am inspired by Marguerite Porete... her early fourteenth century book entitled The Mirror of Simple Souls describes seven stages of spiritual growth on the path to God, and the way in which a soul can resonate to the love of God. She believed in eventual union with God and this threatened the church. Her book was suppressed on the basis that it expressed the "heresy of the free spirit" and because she would not recant, was burned alive on June 1, 1310 in France. Heartbreaking!
My journal entry from last Tuesday at around 2:45a:
Holding secrets seems to be part of every soul's journey. Something happens or we receive information that is too painful, scary or overwhelming to process, so we stuff it deep into our subconscious (the body). These secrets are often held for generations, until one day they begin to churn so violently, that the soul is no longer willing or able to contain them. They may burst to the surface in the form of disease, or Spiritual awakening. Either way, transformation has begun.
I was 5 years old when I first learned to keep secrets. Recently, while sorting through old pictures, I was shocked to see the associated veil of guilt and shame that showed up so clearly on my little face. Makes me wonder if teachers are taught to look for possible signs of abuse in children from their school pictures; the pursed lips, dark circles and an unwillingness to make eye contact are so telling!
The demons of fear, guilt and shame held me hostage until I was 15 years old. Then without warning, I erupted like a volcano and anyone who went to school with me during those days, knew I would fight at the drop of a hat. For a brief moment, I had no fear. My loneliness had turned to resentment, anger and rage. I'd like to say that everything got hashed out in the fights on the school yard, but alas that was not the case. However, through that experience I learned that at some point we must be willing to stand alone with our Truth and boldly speak it. If necessary, shout it!
Sometimes a secret is held because revealing it, could mean we will be rejected by those we love. The secret that I've been afraid to speak:
I am a Christian Mystic.
I am in pursuit of communion with, and conscious awareness of God through direct experience by daily prayer, meditation and yoga.
I believe...
God is Love.
Love is unconditional and there is no power stronger.
Christ is the "logos" made flesh.
the Kingdom of God is within every soul.
God is in ALL...our destiny is to see this.
we are here to overcome just as Christ overcame.
in our darkest hour, if we turn to Christ, He is there.
in the Holy Spirit.
the Bible is inspired of God.
the Bible has also been translated to suit the biases of man.
there are other sacred texts that are inspired of God.
Christ transcends religion.
the Bible has esoteric messages that have yet to be revealed (this excites me)!
Christ transcends (our limited perception) of space and time.
it is self righteous to believe any one group of people has a monopoly on God.
we are created in God's image, not the other way around.
in the Great Mystery (which we may contemplate but never know)
There will be those who resonate with what I've said here and others who will not, and either view is not mine to control.
What I believe is not who I am.
Beware of that which is right in front of you; then you will be able to grasp what is out of your sight. For there is nothing hidden that will not be known. - The Gospel of St. Thomas
A few Christian Mystics:
Teresa of Avila
Hildegard of Bingen
St. Francis of Assisi
St. John of the Cross
Meister Eckhart
Catherine of Siena
Julian of Norwich
Thomas Merton
In an inspiring poem entitled 'Living Boldly" by Carolyn Mary Kleefeld she writes, "Few of us have the capacity for truth. Fewer yet are brave enough to utter it."
Countless brave souls have had the courage to stand up for what they believe in even when it meant sacrificing their life. I am inspired by Marguerite Porete... her early fourteenth century book entitled The Mirror of Simple Souls describes seven stages of spiritual growth on the path to God, and the way in which a soul can resonate to the love of God. She believed in eventual union with God and this threatened the church. Her book was suppressed on the basis that it expressed the "heresy of the free spirit" and because she would not recant, was burned alive on June 1, 1310 in France. Heartbreaking!
My journal entry from last Tuesday at around 2:45a:
Holding secrets seems to be part of every soul's journey. Something happens or we receive information that is too painful, scary or overwhelming to process, so we stuff it deep into our subconscious (the body). These secrets are often held for generations, until one day they begin to churn so violently, that the soul is no longer willing or able to contain them. They may burst to the surface in the form of disease, or Spiritual awakening. Either way, transformation has begun.
I was 5 years old when I first learned to keep secrets. Recently, while sorting through old pictures, I was shocked to see the associated veil of guilt and shame that showed up so clearly on my little face. Makes me wonder if teachers are taught to look for possible signs of abuse in children from their school pictures; the pursed lips, dark circles and an unwillingness to make eye contact are so telling!
The demons of fear, guilt and shame held me hostage until I was 15 years old. Then without warning, I erupted like a volcano and anyone who went to school with me during those days, knew I would fight at the drop of a hat. For a brief moment, I had no fear. My loneliness had turned to resentment, anger and rage. I'd like to say that everything got hashed out in the fights on the school yard, but alas that was not the case. However, through that experience I learned that at some point we must be willing to stand alone with our Truth and boldly speak it. If necessary, shout it!
Sometimes a secret is held because revealing it, could mean we will be rejected by those we love. The secret that I've been afraid to speak:
I am a Christian Mystic.
I am in pursuit of communion with, and conscious awareness of God through direct experience by daily prayer, meditation and yoga.
I believe...
God is Love.
Love is unconditional and there is no power stronger.
Christ is the "logos" made flesh.
the Kingdom of God is within every soul.
God is in ALL...our destiny is to see this.
we are here to overcome just as Christ overcame.
in our darkest hour, if we turn to Christ, He is there.
in the Holy Spirit.
the Bible is inspired of God.
the Bible has also been translated to suit the biases of man.
there are other sacred texts that are inspired of God.
Christ transcends religion.
the Bible has esoteric messages that have yet to be revealed (this excites me)!
Christ transcends (our limited perception) of space and time.
it is self righteous to believe any one group of people has a monopoly on God.
we are created in God's image, not the other way around.
in the Great Mystery (which we may contemplate but never know)
There will be those who resonate with what I've said here and others who will not, and either view is not mine to control.
What I believe is not who I am.
Beware of that which is right in front of you; then you will be able to grasp what is out of your sight. For there is nothing hidden that will not be known. - The Gospel of St. Thomas
A few Christian Mystics:
Teresa of Avila
Hildegard of Bingen
St. Francis of Assisi
St. John of the Cross
Meister Eckhart
Catherine of Siena
Julian of Norwich
Thomas Merton
"It is tragic how few people ever ‘possess their
souls’ before they die… Most people are other people. Their thoughts are
someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a
quotation..." -Oscar Wilde
Friday, December 11, 2009
Yoga (metaphorically speaking)
Since I first began practicing yoga in 2003, countless moments of overwhelming love and joy have filled the space of my life. Woven together with these beautiful experiences are the equally important dark moments.
My journey toward yoga (union) is like...receiving word that the beloved Master has returned and not only is He here, He is in my village. I have waited for this news my entire life! I know that one glance from Him brings total transformation, illusions dissolve and all becomes one. I must find Him.
That night, an angel appears to me in a dream and tells me that the Master wishes to see me. However, in order to find Him, I must walk alone in utter darkness to the homes of seven creatures that live on the outskirts of town. Each creature owns a piece of the map and to find the Master I must go through them. The angel gives me one final admonition - "When fear overtakes you, do not run away from the demons, but rather stand boldly before them with compassion."
I awaken terrified! I know these dreadful creatures and the guiles they possess. Collectively they are the embodiment of fear, guilt, shame, grief, deceit, illusion and attachment. How can I continue this journey? I've heard the rumors since I was a child. What if they rip me to shreds, what if I become delusional and sanity never returns?
Finally, the anxious thoughts subside, I draw in a long deep breath and place my hands over my heart. Now that I KNOW He is here, there is no turning back. My desire to see Him face to face gives me the courage to pull the covers back and step into the darkness.
Namaste'
My journey toward yoga (union) is like...receiving word that the beloved Master has returned and not only is He here, He is in my village. I have waited for this news my entire life! I know that one glance from Him brings total transformation, illusions dissolve and all becomes one. I must find Him.
That night, an angel appears to me in a dream and tells me that the Master wishes to see me. However, in order to find Him, I must walk alone in utter darkness to the homes of seven creatures that live on the outskirts of town. Each creature owns a piece of the map and to find the Master I must go through them. The angel gives me one final admonition - "When fear overtakes you, do not run away from the demons, but rather stand boldly before them with compassion."
I awaken terrified! I know these dreadful creatures and the guiles they possess. Collectively they are the embodiment of fear, guilt, shame, grief, deceit, illusion and attachment. How can I continue this journey? I've heard the rumors since I was a child. What if they rip me to shreds, what if I become delusional and sanity never returns?
Finally, the anxious thoughts subside, I draw in a long deep breath and place my hands over my heart. Now that I KNOW He is here, there is no turning back. My desire to see Him face to face gives me the courage to pull the covers back and step into the darkness.
Namaste'
Friday, December 4, 2009
Same as it Ever Was
As I took the "deep thoughtful" drive home from yoga listening to the radio, one of my all time favorites came on and made me smile...Once In a Lifetime by Talking Heads. I threw caution to the wind and busted into overdrive belting out "Same as it eva was...Same as it eva was". In that moment, an unexpected miracle began to brew...remember I'm also in deep thought.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with indecisiveness and uncertainty. Always afraid to move, always afraid to stay. Never willing to commit. Where did this come from and how long had I been this way? Somehow singing 'same as it ever was' shook me awake and I knew this issue of uncertainty was older than me. So, what did I do? I called my mother.
She answered the phone and we had a few seconds of...hey sugar baby how are you? etc.. and then I interjected, afraid if I waited too long I would chicken out, "Mom, I really need to ask you a question and it is VERY important that you be honest with me even if you think the answer will hurt my feelings." She agreed. I proceeded. "When you and dad decided to have a second baby (me), were you happy and willing or were you uncertain?" After a loooonnnng pause, Mom says, "Baby, I was uncertain. Under the circumstances I didn't know if it was a good idea for us." We cried. She proceeded to tell me what a beautiful blessing I was and how her fear just came from the uncertainty within her relationship with Dad. My parents divorced when I was a few months old.
So what to do? This dysfunction was swimming around with me in the womb. That day we discovered that the fear we carry has been in our maternal bloodline for a long time. My mother was born in an adoption home for unwed mothers. There was a family waiting to adopt her but at the last minute Granny just couldn't let her go. Talk about uncertainty! Maybe this burden will be lifted. Maybe it won't. Either way, I will hold it in my awareness and cherish the ability to have an honest conversation with my mom about our fear. The good cry and "I love yous" made the curse seem more like a gift. And I'm glad it's the same as it ever was. xoxoAnge
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with indecisiveness and uncertainty. Always afraid to move, always afraid to stay. Never willing to commit. Where did this come from and how long had I been this way? Somehow singing 'same as it ever was' shook me awake and I knew this issue of uncertainty was older than me. So, what did I do? I called my mother.
She answered the phone and we had a few seconds of...hey sugar baby how are you? etc.. and then I interjected, afraid if I waited too long I would chicken out, "Mom, I really need to ask you a question and it is VERY important that you be honest with me even if you think the answer will hurt my feelings." She agreed. I proceeded. "When you and dad decided to have a second baby (me), were you happy and willing or were you uncertain?" After a loooonnnng pause, Mom says, "Baby, I was uncertain. Under the circumstances I didn't know if it was a good idea for us." We cried. She proceeded to tell me what a beautiful blessing I was and how her fear just came from the uncertainty within her relationship with Dad. My parents divorced when I was a few months old.
So what to do? This dysfunction was swimming around with me in the womb. That day we discovered that the fear we carry has been in our maternal bloodline for a long time. My mother was born in an adoption home for unwed mothers. There was a family waiting to adopt her but at the last minute Granny just couldn't let her go. Talk about uncertainty! Maybe this burden will be lifted. Maybe it won't. Either way, I will hold it in my awareness and cherish the ability to have an honest conversation with my mom about our fear. The good cry and "I love yous" made the curse seem more like a gift. And I'm glad it's the same as it ever was. xoxoAnge
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