Since I first began practicing yoga in 2003, countless moments of overwhelming love and joy have filled the space of my life. Woven together with these beautiful experiences are the equally important dark moments.
My journey toward yoga (union) is like...receiving word that the beloved Master has returned and not only is He here, He is in my village. I have waited for this news my entire life! I know that one glance from Him brings total transformation, illusions dissolve and all becomes one. I must find Him.
That night, an angel appears to me in a dream and tells me that the Master wishes to see me. However, in order to find Him, I must walk alone in utter darkness to the homes of seven creatures that live on the outskirts of town. Each creature owns a piece of the map and to find the Master I must go through them. The angel gives me one final admonition - "When fear overtakes you, do not run away from the demons, but rather stand boldly before them with compassion."
I awaken terrified! I know these dreadful creatures and the guiles they possess. Collectively they are the embodiment of fear, guilt, shame, grief, deceit, illusion and attachment. How can I continue this journey? I've heard the rumors since I was a child. What if they rip me to shreds, what if I become delusional and sanity never returns?
Finally, the anxious thoughts subside, I draw in a long deep breath and place my hands over my heart. Now that I KNOW He is here, there is no turning back. My desire to see Him face to face gives me the courage to pull the covers back and step into the darkness.
Namaste'
Friday, December 11, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Same as it Ever Was
As I took the "deep thoughtful" drive home from yoga listening to the radio, one of my all time favorites came on and made me smile...Once In a Lifetime by Talking Heads. I threw caution to the wind and busted into overdrive belting out "Same as it eva was...Same as it eva was". In that moment, an unexpected miracle began to brew...remember I'm also in deep thought.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with indecisiveness and uncertainty. Always afraid to move, always afraid to stay. Never willing to commit. Where did this come from and how long had I been this way? Somehow singing 'same as it ever was' shook me awake and I knew this issue of uncertainty was older than me. So, what did I do? I called my mother.
She answered the phone and we had a few seconds of...hey sugar baby how are you? etc.. and then I interjected, afraid if I waited too long I would chicken out, "Mom, I really need to ask you a question and it is VERY important that you be honest with me even if you think the answer will hurt my feelings." She agreed. I proceeded. "When you and dad decided to have a second baby (me), were you happy and willing or were you uncertain?" After a loooonnnng pause, Mom says, "Baby, I was uncertain. Under the circumstances I didn't know if it was a good idea for us." We cried. She proceeded to tell me what a beautiful blessing I was and how her fear just came from the uncertainty within her relationship with Dad. My parents divorced when I was a few months old.
So what to do? This dysfunction was swimming around with me in the womb. That day we discovered that the fear we carry has been in our maternal bloodline for a long time. My mother was born in an adoption home for unwed mothers. There was a family waiting to adopt her but at the last minute Granny just couldn't let her go. Talk about uncertainty! Maybe this burden will be lifted. Maybe it won't. Either way, I will hold it in my awareness and cherish the ability to have an honest conversation with my mom about our fear. The good cry and "I love yous" made the curse seem more like a gift. And I'm glad it's the same as it ever was. xoxoAnge
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with indecisiveness and uncertainty. Always afraid to move, always afraid to stay. Never willing to commit. Where did this come from and how long had I been this way? Somehow singing 'same as it ever was' shook me awake and I knew this issue of uncertainty was older than me. So, what did I do? I called my mother.
She answered the phone and we had a few seconds of...hey sugar baby how are you? etc.. and then I interjected, afraid if I waited too long I would chicken out, "Mom, I really need to ask you a question and it is VERY important that you be honest with me even if you think the answer will hurt my feelings." She agreed. I proceeded. "When you and dad decided to have a second baby (me), were you happy and willing or were you uncertain?" After a loooonnnng pause, Mom says, "Baby, I was uncertain. Under the circumstances I didn't know if it was a good idea for us." We cried. She proceeded to tell me what a beautiful blessing I was and how her fear just came from the uncertainty within her relationship with Dad. My parents divorced when I was a few months old.
So what to do? This dysfunction was swimming around with me in the womb. That day we discovered that the fear we carry has been in our maternal bloodline for a long time. My mother was born in an adoption home for unwed mothers. There was a family waiting to adopt her but at the last minute Granny just couldn't let her go. Talk about uncertainty! Maybe this burden will be lifted. Maybe it won't. Either way, I will hold it in my awareness and cherish the ability to have an honest conversation with my mom about our fear. The good cry and "I love yous" made the curse seem more like a gift. And I'm glad it's the same as it ever was. xoxoAnge
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