As I took the "deep thoughtful" drive home from yoga listening to the radio, one of my all time favorites came on and made me smile...Once In a Lifetime by Talking Heads. I threw caution to the wind and busted into overdrive belting out "Same as it eva was...Same as it eva was". In that moment, an unexpected miracle began to brew...remember I'm also in deep thought.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with indecisiveness and uncertainty. Always afraid to move, always afraid to stay. Never willing to commit. Where did this come from and how long had I been this way? Somehow singing 'same as it ever was' shook me awake and I knew this issue of uncertainty was older than me. So, what did I do? I called my mother.
She answered the phone and we had a few seconds of...hey sugar baby how are you? etc.. and then I interjected, afraid if I waited too long I would chicken out, "Mom, I really need to ask you a question and it is VERY important that you be honest with me even if you think the answer will hurt my feelings." She agreed. I proceeded. "When you and dad decided to have a second baby (me), were you happy and willing or were you uncertain?" After a loooonnnng pause, Mom says, "Baby, I was uncertain. Under the circumstances I didn't know if it was a good idea for us." We cried. She proceeded to tell me what a beautiful blessing I was and how her fear just came from the uncertainty within her relationship with Dad. My parents divorced when I was a few months old.
So what to do? This dysfunction was swimming around with me in the womb. That day we discovered that the fear we carry has been in our maternal bloodline for a long time. My mother was born in an adoption home for unwed mothers. There was a family waiting to adopt her but at the last minute Granny just couldn't let her go. Talk about uncertainty! Maybe this burden will be lifted. Maybe it won't. Either way, I will hold it in my awareness and cherish the ability to have an honest conversation with my mom about our fear. The good cry and "I love yous" made the curse seem more like a gift. And I'm glad it's the same as it ever was. xoxoAnge
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My friend, the first step to breaking any cycle and moving forward and acknowledgement and acceptance. You and your mom both now have that gift. Your lives have both taken a turning point, and you should both know it will now never be same as it eva was!
ReplyDeleteStay strong... somtimes the smallest movement still allows us to go forward.
So beautifully spoken. So true. Thank you for reminding me that even the little things count in moving us forward. Starting this blog was one of those little things for me. G-big hug to you, my friend.
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